A Truer Expression

Recently I’ve been thinking about where things come from, and the distortions that take place by the time we become aware of them. The deep yearnings of our soul start deep underwater, and by the time they have traveled the ocean and are expressed as a fleeting wave, the initial seed that started them can get lost or forgotten.

Your deepest desires are pointing you back to yourself; their shallow, safe or contorted expression is not.

I wonder how much more fulfilling life be if we went to the heart of the yearning, the deepest, truest, most tender and precious yearning, rather than the superficial, quick to be sedated and quick to want again expression?

Sometimes what we think of as our flaws, are actually a misunderstanding of a deeper calling, a misplacement of what we are.

Avanti is freakishly good at making raw chocolate. She started after getting upset at how much I was paying for these little bars of overpriced raw choc, and decided she could do it better.

A few years, hundreds of bars of chocolate, and loads of “oh my God this is the best chocolate I’ve ever tasted” later, she is definitely in tune with the spirit of cacao.

Which is ironic, because as a child Avanti was a massive chocoholic, stopping in almost every shop to buy a bar to fill the empty hole where she would’ve expected to find love.

Avanti's Choc

Chocolate clearly spoke to her (and she spoke back), but little did little Avanti know that cacao, not Cadbury’s, was where it was at, and that her movement towards chocolate actually had a truer, deeper expression. And had she looked even deeper than that, she might have found that even the spirit of cacao was a poor substitute for the love she was missing.

My version of this would be smoking. I love smoking, but on reflection it wasn’t the nicotine that did it for me, it was the focus on the breath. The inhale, hold, exhale. The taking a few minutes to be with yourself and breathe.

I’ve since found that pranayama breathing is a truer (and healthier) expression of this for me. I knew that I enjoyed focusing on my breath, but for a long time didn’t know there was a way to do that without a cigarette. And taking this a step deeper, bringing my focus to my breath, helps me to connect with my spirit. So for me, it turns out that smoking was actually an expression of my desire to connect with myself.

Which makes me wonder, what might your truer expression be?

If you traced back a need,or compulsion, to it’s truest, most sacred origins, what might it look like from there?

We’ve all been in a situation where what we wanted to say isn’t quite what came out of our mouths, and I’m sure we’ve all been tricked by the classic feeling hungry when you’re actually thirsty thing our bodies do, or even more annoying craving sugar when we actually have a mineral deficiency, so chances are you’ve had the experience of what’s really going on not being what’s expressed. And this is just scratching the surface.

If you look at your life through the lens of noticing where your desires spring from, what might you find?

Gold Heart

Maybe a desire for a relationship is actually a yearning for union with the divine.

Could an addiction actually be pointing towards intense feelings of separation that you’ll do anything to stem?

Perhaps you notice yourself trying to manipulate your partner, and know deep down that your skills of seduction would be better used to encourage them to be all they can be, rather than coercing them into being what you want them to be.

Or maybe your compulsion to zone out and be mindless has its origins in a movement towards primordial peace and Nothingness.

If there is a deeper, truer expression to your wants and habits, then it’s the truer expression that you’ll want to be focussing on.

Even if you were to meet all your shallow desires, the truer ones would still be there. You’d find that the new partner doesn’t bring divine union, and only reminds you of its absence. The addiction doesn’t actually ease the pain of separation, but increases it. Manipulating your way to what you want is ultimately unfulfilling and that zoning out has nothing on zoning in.

This is by no means a definitive answer, it’s an invitation to look again and to hold yourself to a higher and truer standard.

It’s okay to want the things you want, but it will be more fulfilling if you’re true about what you really, really want. Then you can go for what your heart truly desires, not the distorted reflection of your deepest yearning.

It’s almost too painful and scary to want what we really want. Wanting a partner, or a holiday, or a drink is known and is socially acceptable. There’s a safety to that. Tell someone you want a relationship and they’ll nod their heads knowingly. They can relate.

Tell them you want union with the divine, to know yourself as The One through another, chances are they’ll nod their politely as their eyes glaze over.

Do you dare to want what you really and truly want? What your heart, guts and soul want? Do you dare to trace back the wave to its origins deep in the ocean and go from there?

From Cadbury’s to the spirit of cacao, and from there to the deepest love, what’s your truest expression?

Why inside out is so much more comfortable

Wear your spirit on the outside

When you were little and enthusiastically and freely offered yourself to the world the chances are that you frequently encountered rejection. “Mummy come and play with me” is often met with the many reasons why that’s not gonna happen. If you weren’t the cool, popular kid who always got picked first, it would be understandable if you had learnt that your presence is often not wanted.

You learnt to hide the parts of yourself that didn’t fit in. Trouble is, that part was often your spirit, the very essence of you. You learned to keep yourself in, to not risk rejection. Maybe you’d wait for others to take the lead, to stand on the edges until someone else began dancing and invited you in.

I get it. It’s totally understandable. The thing is though, it’s not your spirit that’s fragile. Your spirit is the strongest aspect of you, the one part of you that’s not temporary, that will be with you for at least your whole life. It’s the thing that’s been there since you were born, a constant, indestructible presence. It’s your ego, your little human-self, that gets hurt. Your spirit is just fine and dandy.

So why not make friends with it? Make best friends with it? Fall in love with it even? And allow others to enjoy it too. The way to begin to do this is so simple.

Wear your spirit on the outside.

Sit in it like it’s a comfy armchair. Let your body be within You, your spirit, rather than keeping You and your spirit within your little, fragile body. Fill the space with your spirit, let it run free. There’s plenty of room for you and everyone else to fill the space.

Try this.

Close your eyes and let yourself become aware of the part of you that has always been there. The same you as when you were a child, the same you as a decade ago. Breathe it out, let it fill the space around you, at least to an arm’s length. Then luxuriate in it and watch as your life gets better. It doesn’t take very long to do, and you can do it anywhere; on the train on your way to work, in bed before you get up, at your desk, in the park. Anywhere. Try doing it a couple of times a day for 2 minutes. It could be useful to set a reminder on your phone to help you  remember.

Living with your spirit on the outside will ensure that you are what it says on the packet. Those that resonate with you will be drawn to you, and those that don’t, won’t. It will bring a greater sense of your life being in alignment with you and that in turn will bring a greater sense of belonging. Putting your little human self in charge of your precious life is like expecting the secretary to do the boss’ job.

Just because you weren’t the fastest runner at school and your mum was busy with the laundry, doesn’t mean that there’s really no place for you on the planet.

I’ve got a brainwave

Actually we all have brainwaves. All the time. And in the interests of spiritual meets science, I’ve just been and gone and had mine measured.

I’ve often wondered what was happening inside my head while I’m working with you, and now I know. Turns out that large portions of my brain are asleep. And not just any old sleep, but deep, deep, dreamless, dead to the world, sleep. Even when I’m just living my life there is a strong predominance of delta brainwaves in play, but when I’m working they go into overdrive, along with an increase in the theta waves as well.

When Christina, the practitioner who was doing the measuring, saw how asleep my brain was, naturally she was concerned. In a walking, talking sense it means that my mind is unfocussed, I forget things, I’m not great at admin and A.D.D. style, just tend to do what’s in front of me, rather than doing what I’d planned to do.

I left her office feeling like there was something wrong that needed attention. As soon as I got home and began exploring the role of our brainwaves in our lives, things began to fall into place. With such a huge amount of delta waves in play, it would be expected that I’d be completely unfocussed, and yet when I’m working with you, I feel hyper focused. It’s like I’m between worlds and have access to that which cannot normally be accessed.

I’ve long been aware that it’s easier for me to ‘look’ into your world when I close down as much stimuli as possible. I prefer to work remotely on the phone or if on skype, without the imagery. The less stimulation the clearer my perception. A high proportion of delta brainwaves is associated with psychics, yogis, meditators and babies. The literature says that as we age, we often don’t even often get into the delta waveband in our deepest levels of sleep.

It seems to me that when I am awake, and yet with large parts of my brain asleep I am able to tap into life beyond the physical world. Thoughts, beliefs and emotions feel like something tangible, as if they have weight. I can feel what you feel like on the inside, what your partner feels like to you and can help you to clear the energetic blocks that might lie in between who you really are and how you express yourself in the world.

I’ve been doing this for years anyway, measurement or no measurement, and whilst there is of course value in improving my brain’s patterns so that I stop leaving my swimsuit in the shower at the gym for example, it’s beyond exciting for me to know that when we’re working, I go into a delta state from which I can access information that is not accessible within the usual confines of the mind.

What a bloody great use of science.

If you are interested in getting your brainwaves measured, or would like to increase the elasticity of your brain, check out Christina’s work here. And if you have any understanding about the role our brainwaves have in our lives, please do leave your comments below. I’d be delighted to explore this fascinating subject further.



Whatever circumstances you were born into, regardless of how painful they might have been, they were not a mistake.

They were a vibrational match to what you chose to explore in this lifetime. Often the bigger you are, the more extreme your circumstances.

I’m not gonna preach at you and tell you that your unhappy childhood was perfect. Just that it was a match to what your soul wanted to explore. I feel that I came into life to find out what it would feel like to live without love. Turns out it ain’t great. I know that now and have no need to revisit that place. I used to live a life where bad things happened daily. I’d come home from work and find that my car had been smashed up, I never had enough money and everyone always wanted something from me. I was never at peace.

But at the same time, I also knew that there was something else at play.
I became fascinated by magic, hoping to improve my lot in life. Whilst I have no affinity with magic these days, it was a stepping stone. There have been, and continue to be, many stepping stones in my life. At the time when they are relevant they can feel like The Answer, and then they lose their appeal once I have received what I needed for my particular journey.

You are an embodied spirit and there is nothing wrong with you.

You are here because you offer a unique perspective which is required by Life.

Regardless of what you’ve been taught, there is no right or wrong way to live your life. There is only what suits or doesn’t suit you. Consciousness works similarly to light in the same way that white light refracts into all the colours of the rainbow. All of them together make up the whole and yet each part contains all the information of the whole. In the same way that all the organs in your body work together, and are all necessary to your
wellbeing, each part of the whole, contains the whole within them.